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It's been just over 14 months since my last post. It's amazing how quickly time goes by.
The past year has been one of spiritual struggle which reached a cresendo about eight months ago when I stopped going to confession, a month later stopped going to Mass, and fell back into some old, and into some new, sinful ways.
I reached a point where I felt as though my prayers weren't being heard, or possibly even ignored, because I felt like I wasn't getting any answers. I let bitterness take over and turned away. Over the last few months God has gently guided me to the realization that maybe I wasn't hearing any answers because I was listening too intently for what I wanted to hear instead of what he was saying. This realization came through a series of nudges from God when I wasn't thinking about Him, on the way to work, while eating dinner, etc. Just little thoughts that would pop into my head.
I made my first confession in 8 months yesterday afternoon. I have never felt more vulnerable nor more emboldened than when my confessor spoke about it being the grace of God that prevented my faith from being destroyed and lead back to the sacraments.
I'm not sure yet what God has to say to me, but I pray and ask you friends to pray for me, that I may put aside what I want to hear and listen to Him.
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Almighty and eternal God, who created us in Thine image and bade us to seek after all this is good, true, and beautiful, especially in the divine person of Thy only begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, grant we beseech Thee that, through the intercession of Saint Isidore, bishop and doctor, during our journeys through the internet we will direct our hands and eyes only to that which is pleasing to Thee and treat with charity and patience all those souls whom we encounter. Through Christ our Lord. Amen
Fr. John T. Zuhlsdorf
"We learn, and we strive and pray to understand more and more of God's plan; and more than understanding it, to love it and to live it, especially when we don't understand it. And to realize that even when we think we understand, what we understand is only the surface of the deeper mystery. But to sense that God loves us, and never to doubt this, that is important." - Francis Cardinal Arinze
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4 comments:
I left you a comment at the other blog. I'm praying for you. Whatever you are going through - remember that Christians have always suffered..none of this wimpy "God is for you being happy all the time"...that gets spewed out by the American seeker friendly ....or prosperity gospel."
You hang in there no matter what.....HE wants you to perservere through this!! Our faith is one that endures like the martyrs....we can do this thing!!
Time does go quickly.
I became disgruntled a few years back over some changes at my parish and stopped attending ... and then, consequently, began doubting.
But I'd say, fear of God, for the first time in my life, led me to approach the sacraments again, more humbly than ever before.
A comment on your other blog said, "Save your soul." That's exactly right. Keep at it, Chris, for heaven's sake.
Chris,
I came across your blog while looking through a few other Catholic blogs, and I pray that things are going better for you. I know that for me, I have seen clear signs that God is present in my life, just little things that let me know He's still there when things are tough, but I know that sometimes things can get rough enough that it's easy to get distracted and not see how present He is in every day. I hope that you are still looking for Him and I will keep you in my prayers.
Yes, that it is. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta says, "We are called to be faithful."
If there is one grace we should always ask God for is this: to be faithful to Him no matter what.
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